


This House Is Not For Sale

by chocolateghost



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff, Ghost Sex, One Shot, the Beetlejuice AU that nobody asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 09:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12792048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolateghost/pseuds/chocolateghost
Summary: "Jon, I think we're dead.""No shit, Sansa."It's a Jonsa Beetlejuice AU!





	This House Is Not For Sale

**Author's Note:**

> This is ridiculous, tongue-in-cheek fluff I literally just slapped together. I realize we are entering late November, but it's always Halloween in my household.
> 
> Title from the Ryan Adams song of the same name. The lyrics of the song are basically the story of Beetlejuice. So I just kind of mashed them together and threw in some Jonsa. Mmm delicious.
> 
> I highly recommend listening to the song while reading to add to your experience. I threw in lots of little references. For those interested: [This House Is Not For Sale](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIZ9QreW0hE)
> 
> Enjoy!

Jon and Sansa were the happiest newlywed couple anyone in Wintertown had ever seen. They had recently bought an old house on a hill at the edge of town. It was a gorgeous old Victorian - painted white on the outside with tall towers and a grand staircase and hardwood floors. It had fallen into disrepair over the years, but they fell in love with it immediately. They put in an offer that same day.

 

When the sale came through, Jon danced Sansa around the empty house. They were so in love and so happy to have their wonderful home. They planned to rebuild it and fill it with everything that was them. It was going to be their forever home. They just didn't realize what that truly meant at the time.

 

They spent months remodeling the house. It became their passion project. Jon poured over paint swatches and Sansa meticulously picked out every piece of furniture. It was late autumn by the time they finally finished. Snow was just starting to cover the ground.

 

Jon and Sansa decided to go out to dinner to celebrate. After a delicious meal at their favorite little restaurant, they were very excited to get back. Giddy with the anticipation of making love in their newly finished home, they hadn't noticed that the streets had started to get slick. On the road to their home was a curve with a ravine down the side. Any other time, it wasn’t very dangerous, but everyone knew to be especially cautious come winter.

 

In the dead of night, Jon wasn't able to see the patches of ice that had formed on the road. The tire hit one just as the road was curving and the car lurched off to the side. Panicked, Jon tried to right the car, but it was already out of his control. They broke through the barrier and careened off the edge to certain doom. In their last moments they clasped hands and shared a kiss.

 

Then there was only darkness.

 

*******

 

They awoke in their plush king-size bed to the sun streaming down on them. Sitting up, they shared a look, both remembering that something had happened, but both unable to remember.

 

“Jon, does something feel… off... to you?”

 

“Yeah, but I'm not sure what,” Jon replied, scratching his head. Glancing around their room, he noticed a book on his nightstand that he had never seen before. Curious, he picked it up and read the title.

 

“Sansa, what the hell is this? The Handbook for the Recently Deceased. I didn't buy this. Is this some kind of joke?”

 

Sansa frowned and opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by noises coming from downstairs.

 

“Jon, what was that?” She asked worriedly.

 

“I don't know. I'll go check.”

 

“Don't leave me here! Hey, why are we in our clothes?” Sansa was very confused now.

 

“What? Oh. Yeah, that's odd. I guess we were just really tired or something.” Jon wasn't sure what was happening, but he knew it wasn’t right.

 

As they crept to the top of the grand staircase they heard voices - a man and a woman. They were getting louder.

 

“-town loved these two. They had just finally finished fixing up this house. They were on their way home and their car slid off the road and down into the ravine, killing them instantly. Thank the Seven they didn’t suffer. Poor things,” the woman spoke.

 

Jon and Sansa looked at each other with wide eyes. They could not believe what they were hearing.

 

The woman continued, “So now we are looking to sell it. They really did us a huge favor though. This house will make bank. Newly remodeled. It’s absolutely perfect. What do you think?”

 

“I think we are going to have no problem at all selling this place. Just move a few things around. Maybe switch out some of the more tacky pieces.” Sansa blanched, taking offense to his words. “My crew will be in first thing tomorrow to get the place ready,” the man finished.

 

“Ok let’s plan to be back in the afternoon to make sure everything is going smoothly.” With that the man and woman left, leaving a gobsmacked Jon and Sansa at the top of the stairs.

 

“Jon, I… I think we’re dead.”

 

“No shit Sansa. What tipped you off?”

 

“Jon, this is serious! Don’t be a dick! We died! What happened? What do you remember?”

 

“I don’t know. We had finished dinner and we were on our way home. We were laughing and then..”

 

“We died. You heard her! We slid off the road into the ravine! We’re dead!” Sansa sobbed. She collapsed by the wall and slid down to the floor. Arms hugging herself tightly. Jon joined her on the floor. He held her and kissed her so softly, she felt in in her soul. Or at least, whatever that meant for a dead person.

 

“Calm down, sweet girl. Calm down,” Jon soothed, stroking her hair. With a few hiccups, Sansa moved to lay down in the fetal position - her head on Jon’s knee.

 

“Seven Hells! I don’t want to be dead! There’s so much we didn’t get to do!” She wined, kicking her feet out.

 

“Uhhh, Sans? I think the fact that we’re still living here means that there are no Seven Hells. Probably no Seven Heavens either.”

 

“Oh great. So we’re ghosts! Just fucking wonderful. UGGGGHHHH!” Sansa groaned in frustration. “Wait, you heard them Jon, they’re coming back tomorrow to prep the house for the market. They’re going to take all the furniture and move our things!”

 

“That is not going to happen. As long as we are still here, this is our house. It is not for sale,” Jon stated defiantly, trying to convince himself.

 

“How are we going to stop them? Grab a couple sheets and try to scare them out?”

 

“Well we probably shouldn’t do the sheets. Too cliché. But I think we will probably need to scare them. Hey, let’s check out that book in our room,” Jon remembered. “Maybe that will have some helpful tips.”

 

So Jon and Sansa poured through that book the rest of the day and all through the night. They found that they really didn’t need to sleep or eat for that matter. They were dead after all. But by next morning they weren’t really any closer to figuring out what to do. The book tried to explain various topics, but it read so much like a technical manual it was difficult to comprehend. In the end, they just decided to wing it. After much arguing (and a little making out) Jon accepted Sansa’s idea to wear the sheets. “Classic ghosting has got to be worth something, Jon!” She said stubbornly.

 

The crew arrived at 9:00 AM sharp. They were no nonsense and immediately got to work. Jon and Sansa donned their sheets and floated down the stairs moaning and groaning like two ghost in a bad horror film. The crew paid hardly any attention to them. One acknowledged the floating sheets by yelling for someone to "close the damn window."

 

Defeated, Jon ripped off his sheet and tried to grab one of the workers. Unfortunately, his body just passed right through the burly man. Sansa was starting to get hysterical. She couldn’t watch these men mess around in her house anymore. She screamed in frustration, but when it came out it was like the cry from a banshee.

 

All of the workers stopped at once and looked at each other, confusion etched on their faces.

 

“Sansa! Do that again! It’s working. They can hear you!” Jon yelled joyfully.

 

Sansa screamed some more, shouting for the men to get out of her house. All the while flailing around in her sheet. Jon joined in, matching his screams with hers.

 

“Holy shit, what the fuck is that?" One man yelled.

 

“I don’t know, didn’t the last people who lived here die in an accident?” Another man said in a frightened tone.

 

“You talking about ghosts? Oh FUCK no! I am not dealing with no ghosts. Fuck this shit. I am out of here!” Yet another claimed.

 

“Don’t be a chicken shit it’s ju-” Jon was finally able to muster his strength to push the burly man down.

 

“Ok, I know everybody saw that shit. LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!”

 

The men scrambled away, running out of the house. Sansa took off her sheet and kissed Jon hard. Laughing, she said, “I can’t believe that worked! We did it!”

 

“Yeah now we just have to deal with the man and woman this afternoon.”

 

Jon and Sansa gathered up all their ghost powers and turned their lovely Victorian home into a regular haunted mansion straight out of a horror movie. When the man and woman came in the afternoon they had no idea what hit them.

 

They stepped into the house and the front door slammed, locking behind them. Jon and Sansa materialized right in front of them. Looking positively ghastly. Jon had all his insides on the outside and his eyeballs hanging out of his head. Sansa went for a the classic blood-covered-crazy-smile look. The man and woman instantly cowered in fear.

 

Jon cleared his throat and began speaking, “We know you want to put this place on the market because we're dead, but we’re still living here. This house is not for sale.”

 

“So you would be wise to remember that. And don't even think about trying any of that exorcist crap either. Or else we’ll come and haunt you. We have literally nothing else to do. We’re dead,” Sansa added.

 

The man and woman wore expressions of confusion, fear, and disbelief. Then Jon and Sansa attacked them, throwing the two out the door with one more whispered threat.

 

The man and woman peeled out and raced from the property as Jon and Sansa looked on happily.

 

“Wow, that wasn’t very hard,” Sansa grinned.

 

“Nope not at all,” Jon added. “Although I’m pretty sure the sheets had absolutely nothing to do with it.”

 

“JONATHAN!”

 

“What? Come on Sansa. Nobody was falling for that.”

 

Sansa scoffed as they turned back toward the house. She was just about to berate him before she had an entirely different thought.

 

“Hey Jon, umm, now that we’re rid of them…” Sansa trailed off. A blush rising to her ghostly cheeks.

 

“Yes, Sansa?"

 

“I, umm, I think we should see what ghost sex is like. Don’t you?” She finished with an little pout - batting her eyelashes, trying to look innocent - but only succeeding in looking like a seductress.

 

Jon felt like his heart stopped, which was crazy because he was already dead. He lifted her into his arms and floated up the stairs to the bedroom where they made sweet ghost love.

 

Later, when they were both satisfied, they decided that this whole ghost thing might not be so bad. They could surely have a lot of fun. Being an apparition has it’s perks after all. They could scare people all they wanted, they didn’t have to use doors, they could have sex in mid-air, and the best part was they would be able to spend all eternity in a wonderful house. It was their forever home after all.


End file.
